Christmas if filled with laughter, merriment, carols, gift giving/getting, hot chocolate, warm fires (or ones on the tv if you live in a warmer climate like me!), colorful lights, traditional movies, warmth, love, and so much more.
I am a sucker for Christmas. I love it all and want to do every tradition possible. Now I still wait until the day after Thanksgiving to put up my tree (tradition) and this year was no different, except it took me a little longer to get all the decorations up. I wasn’t feeling it. I didn’t feel warm and cozy watching the Christmas movies. The carols didn’t lighten my mood. I didn’t feel that special magic feeling that Christmas usually brings to me.
The best way I could describe it is that I couldn’t feel the “joy” of Christmas. Instead I felt sad, frustrated, tired, like there was a heaviness on me, and hopeless. It was quite a depressing feeling. Even my son kept asking me if I was ok. I didn’t want to get up and do anything except lay in bed and cry.
What was most frustrating is that I had nothing to be down about! In actuality I am truly blessed. There are so many others who are hurting worse than I am and here I am feeling sorry for myself. Guilt consumed me and made me feel even worse.
I started to do things to make myself feel better. I did my nails, watched my favorite movies, listened to my favorite carols, and ate my favorite cookies. My family and I drove around to look at the Christmas lights, went to Animal Kingdom and enjoyed their festivities. I did whatever I could to try and find that joy again. It didn’t work.
As I was beginning to feel like I would never get over this, I heard a sermon about the joy of Christmas. All of those things I enjoyed about Christmas were special, but what truly makes Christmas magical is the amazing gift of life we have received and how we in turn can also be a gift. Joy doesn’t come from our circumstances but from being thankful and sharing our blessings with others. It really turned my selfish paradigm around.
Don’t get me wrong. I am still struggling, and probably have a reason to feel a little sad right now, but every day I choose to find a piece of joy in the day. It could be being thankful for a kind gesture or hearing from an old friend. Or doing something nice for someone else who is hurting and knowing I made their day. I decided to be intentional about finding joy daily, even in the tiniest of things and made sure to be present with my family and enjoy their presence and those moments that become core memories.
Maybe you feel like me and that “joy” of Christmas is evading you. You may have something serious going on right now like grieving, loss, or a heaviness on you. I understand. Right now the world seems dark and is getting darker by the day. But the silver lining is that when it gets dark, we have the ability to be a beacon of light in the darkness. It doesn’t devalue your feelings, your feelings are very valid, but it can bring a lightness to your situation and to those around you who are also suffering. It won’t take away the pain, but it can help you lean into it and make it easier to bear.
Either way, I am praying blessings upon you and that the joy of not only Christmas but of being able to breathe and live this current life we live finds its way into your life. I know I for one am very grateful for you and care about you. May you have a wonderful, joyful, Merry Christmas filled with light and love.
